


Before I Wither Away

by Johzanne



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cancer, Canon Era, Drama, Drinking, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Time, Friendship, Pain
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-11
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-26 02:05:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7555957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Johzanne/pseuds/Johzanne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren knows she's going to die, but doesn't want to do so without experiencing at least something to make her life feel worthwhile. <br/>Mikasa suggested experiencing some type of love and Eren turns to the only person that comes to mind; Corporal Levi himself. </p>
<p>What I tried doing here was writing something more dramatic while mixing it up with some gender bending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Before I Wither Away

It was eight o'clock and Eren Yeager was already in bed. The Scouting Legion had gone on an expedition this morning and she thought she'd be tired after everything that had happened, but instead she was struggling to fall asleep. 

She almost died today. 

It happens, it's part of the job. They lost 370 men in a matter of hours. Eren fully accepted the fact that she can be just another body any day without warning and she's stared death in the face more than once, but this time it was different. 

She turned onto her side and pushed the scratchy blankets off of her. With a delicate hand, she reached out and touched the cool stone wall her bed is pushed up against. She flattened her palm again it in a futile attempt to absorb the coldness into her skin, but she could still feel the thick, hot fingers of that monster clasping her in it's grasp. She could still feel the warm air it breathed out over her. The sickening crack from her back being popped out of place echoing in her ears. 

Normally she would struggle until she slipped out of it's hold or at least called out to her squad, but this morning she just... Froze. 

When she realized she was trapped, she thought: "At least I'm dying as a woman." only to realize she was still a child. After seeing the worst life had to offer, she was still just a child that never had the chance to live once in all of her eighteen years. What does it even mean to live? 

Jean had swooped in and sliced a gauche in the back of the monster's wrist. It's tendons had been severed and it's hand was no longer capable of grasping her. She slipped from the loose fingers in what felt like slow motion and tumbled to the ground with the roar from the wounded beast. 

What does it mean to live?  
Is there a chance for her to live before she is no longer alive? 

Somewhere on her way down, instinct kicked in and she watched the grappling hooks fly out to the nearest branch. Splinters spat from where the wood was punctured and the cord went taught. The sudden resistance from the inelastic cord jolted her, her harness digging into her skin and her back popping back into place. She swung back and forth under the branch with the backtrack of her fellow soldiers' screams. 

Will she ever be able to live? 

Jean had called out to her, "Yeager! You better still be alive you slut!" 

That was his way of coping; swearing and cursing at everything that he could. That snapped her out of it. Everyone has a way of coping and so does she. 

So she spent the rest of the day 'coping', slaying every monster she set her eyes on until she exhausted all her resources. 

They had arrived back at their living quarters four hours ago and everyone went their separate ways. People that suffered extreme losses mourned on the west field, either crying together or watching the sunset alone as silent tears flowed down their emotionless faces. 

Armin always sat on the west field after an expedition. "Every loss is one to mourn over," he explained the first time Eren asked him why. "Everyone deserves to be remembered." Armin took a sketchbook and a short, old pencil with him and drew small sketches of everyone they've lost that day. After every expedition he would do that and the others would come sit next to him, one by one, and tell him something about their deceased friend.  
"Someday I want to put these in the official records..." That was Armin's goal, because every sole lost out there deserves to be remembered. 

Eren has been practicing drawing Armin, because he too deserves a picture in the official records when his time comes. 

Mikasa and a few others would do some more training to improve on the things they did wrong that day. She wasn't fast enough? She'd run until she is. Jean wasn't strong enough? He'd do push-ups until he is. That's how they did it, they worked out until their disappointed dissolved into their sweat. 

Connie had to make jokes. That's the only reason why he was still sane. He and his group would sit in the cafeteria and joke about how funny those things' faces were or how retarded they looked when they tried running. 

Everyone had their own thing, but today there wasn't anything working for Eren. She can't even remember what she usually did, so she hoped her solace would come in sleep. She had helped her higher-ups take care of all the horses and weapons before waiting her turn in a shower. A shower dissolved the aches in her body, not not one ones in her heart. She had tried reading, but she couldn't manage to focus on the letters before her. 

But sleep wasn't coming. It was too early after all. 

With a sigh, she sat up and stared at the door. On a hook, a white lab coat hangs against the door. It's there to remind her she's dying, bit by bit, every day. 

Soft tissue sarcoma was what Hanji called it. A type of cancer that began in the soft tissues of her body because of her healing abilities. Cancer is the uncontrolled division of abnormal cells and her unique cells have been dividing at such a high rate tags some of them adapted to this rapid pace and never stopped. Instead of scars where her wounds have been, she has lumps laying under her skin. If she just softly presses on her leg she can feel the ring of cancerous growths where her leg had been bitten off. 

The growths are small and slow-growing, but the problem is that there are dozens of them. Cutting them out isn't an option because that would only lead to more of them. Eren has no option but to pretend it doesn't exist until her joints go stiff and her muscles stop working. Hopefully she'd die fighting for mankind before she becomes a vegetable waiting to die. Only Hanji and Mikasa knows, Hanji because she delivered the diagnosis and Mikasa because Eren begged her in tears to kill her before it ever comes to that. 

These thoughts weren't helping her feel better, but instead they only reminded her just how much she needs to live before it's too late. 

There's another expedition in a week and with how little survived today's one, that one might be her last. 

A week left? 

Is that all she has? 

What can a person do in one week to make up 80 years worth of life experience? She sighed again. A group of soldiers made quite a ruckus as they walked down the hall and one of them knocked on her door. 

"Hey Yeager! We're going to the a bar, are you coming?"

"Uhg... Sure! I'll meet you there!" She sat in her bed, pressing on a small lump on her upper arm until the noisy crowd faded. She pushed herself back onto her feet and started pulling on her uniform again. She buttoned up her pants and reached for the tattered shirt she usually wore before realizing she doesn't have to wear her uniform. A cute back shirt was the first other thing she saw, so she pulled it on. And undid her hair. 

It was a strict rule that girls had to keep their hair tied on the battlefield, so Eren had become quite an expert at hair braiding over her four years in the army. Due to the double French braids she had worn that day, her hair was wavy and gained volume when she brushed it out. She took her elastic and tied up the top half of her hair in a pony at the back. Lastly she kicked on a pair of black boots she bought the last time she was in town. 

Eren grabbed just enough money for a few drinks and put it in her back pocket before opening the door. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Maybe she'll find out what to do with the rest of her short life at the bar. 

She took a step out of the door and straight into Mikasa. "Oh, hey, you're done training?" 

"Mhmm... Were you going somewhere?"

"Yeah, I was thinking of going out like the others."

Mikasa looked at her for a moment and Eren knew that she could see something was wrong. "Would you like me to come with you?" 

Eren nodded and Mikasa offered her a small smile "Give me five minutes and we can go." Mikasa disappeared into the room and came back with a dark blue dress Eren bought her and her military boots. An attempt to cheer her up she realized. 

The two girls walked down the hall together and out of the living quarters. They crossed the field to the road that lead to the town in silence. It seemed comfortable, but Eren was still in her own little world, trying to figure out how to truly become a part of this world before it's too late. 

They reached the middle of the tiny town by the time it was dark. "You know, I don't feel like hanging out with the rest, what do you say we go to the club on the other side of the town?" 

"Yeah, that sounds better than listening to Sasha's drunk storytelling." They both laughed a bit and started walking down the street to the left. It was a cute little town, actually. There was a candle hanging in a decorative metal case every three steps lighting up the streets. The place was buzzing with people and it just had a relaxed, chatty atmosphere. 

Eren looked around and imagined herself living the lives of the people around her. How life would have been if she had been the happy old lady selling flours or if she was the young girl playing hopscotch with her friends. Maybe she would have enjoyed being the mom keeping an eye over them while way busy rolling out some cookie dough. Was that what she was missing out on? A family? 

Love? 

She has loved, she spent her first year and a half in the army infatuated with her guardian, Thee Corporal Levi, and fluttered around on his praise. He seemed to pick up on her crush and played along a bit, giving her a bit more praise and attention until her emotions subdued to what they should be: Respect and admiration. Of course, she'd always have a soft spot for the man, but she accepted that nothing would ever really come from his side. They do get along well though and have a steady relationship, but after she came of age and considered a 'stable asset',  he was assigned to different tasks and they don't see each other much.  
It's been months since they've shared a cup of tea. 

He's still the man she trusts with her life and she's sure he still values their friendship. The last time they had a discussion that wasn't just a progress report was actually in the bar they were heading to now. It was a bit more expensive and since all the soldiers just wanted to get drunk, they went to the other bar while the higher ranking officers came here to get away from things. 

Levi would probably be here tonight, now that she thinks about it. His way of forgetting about the world was dancing and she always found it amusing that the quiet and stoic man managed to keep to the beat. Eren and Mikasa slipped onto barstools and made some smalltalk about cute items they saw being sold at the stalls they passed. When the bartender came, they each ordered a glass of wine and continued chatting, blending perfectly into the atmosphere around them. 

Along one wall was the bar and along the others there were comfortable cushioned booths with small groups casually conversing about whatever a dash of alcohol brought to mind. Music was coming from somewhere and a group of people danced to it in the middle of the pub. 

"Eren... Jean told me what happened today."

She closed her eyes. "And?" 

"What happened to you?"

Eren took a slow sip of her wine before answering. "I just... Realized that I'm dying without having lived. Yes, I've made a difference, gave humanity a fighting chance and worked hard until I got where I am, but it still feels like... Nothing. I'll never have a normal life, a family," She laughed bitterly "Not even a pet. If I die now, I'd die as a child that never grew up."

"You want a taste of what life should be."

"I want to die a full-grown human. A woman, not a girl that wasted her life."

They both thought about it for a moment. Eren already felt better after having told someone that she knows understands. 

Mikasa picked up her glass and took a few sips, considering if she should say it before she does. "I know what might work..." 

Eren looked at her with a hidden hint of doubt and waited for her to tell her. 

"Have you ever had sex?"

Sex? Would sex make a difference? Sex is something that two people do if they are in love. It's special, meaningful and... Something to dream about for every innocent reason. It's something she could do before the next expedition. 

"Sex... With-With whom?"

"Someone you're comfortable with, Eren, that's all I can say. Someone you're close to, someone you trust," Eren looked at the group of dancing people and her eyes landed on a figure swaying perfectly to the rhythm. "Someone you have feelings for... Whoever would make it special for you."

Eren's eyes danced up the figure of the only man she trusts with more than her life. "Someone like him..." 

Mikasa turned to see who she was talking about. "The Corporal himself... I should have guessed." She smiled a bit "I knew you weren't over that crush." Eren laughed a bit. "I'll always have something for a man like him... So you think that's what I should do?" 

"Sleep with him? I think so... He will definitely make it special if he is like you say he is behind closed doors. Plus he won't tell a sole like Jean or Connie would."

Eren laughed. "Jean? That's never happening again." Mikasa let out a small feminine chuckle "Someone had to be that goof's first kiss, I'm just glad it wasn't me." 

"It wasn't even romantic, he just kissed me out of the blue. Thank goodness he wasn't my first kiss... By the way, wasn't Armin your first kiss?"

"No he wasn't!" Mikasa started blushing. "We were ten, it doesn't count."

Eren laughed a bit again. "I think you were his only kiss." Mikasa hummed in agreement. "But he isn't big on the physical stuff... Holding hands is good enough for him and I think it's sweet."

They finished their glasses of wine while Eren watched Levi dance with some random young girl. Eren remembers feeling so jealous the first time she saw Levi pick up a dance partner, but she quickly learned that Levi never did more than dance with a girl and politely thank her. They've danced a few times too and thought about asking him for a dance again. 

She didn't get a chance to, because Erwin spotted two of his top female soldiers sitting by the bar and decided to greet him. He sat down next to Mikasa and the three of them caught up a bit. Mikasa and Erwin fell into a rather deep conversation and Eren looked back to the crowd of dancing people and was a little alarmed when she couldn't see Levi. She looked around until someone plopped down next to her and she jolted a bit. 

"Looking for someone?" the smooth voice that could only belong to her corporal came from the seat next to her and she turned to face him. 

"My, my, if it isn't the corporal himself." Eren greeted with a smile and he gave her a nod. "Have you had a drink yet?" he asked her. 

"Oh yes, I've had a glass of wine. Have you had anything?" 

"A glass of the old 'n gold from Captain blonde over there." Eren giggled a bit. Levi would never let Erwin hear him call him that, but she still thinks it's cute. "He's always cared a great deal for that friend of yours... He's glad she's still here."

Eren nodded slowly and looked at Mikasa and Erwin. Levi once told her that Erwin admired Mikasa's devotion to her family because he hasn't seen it in anyone else. Mikasa admired Erwin in return for the iron hand he lead the army with, so the two of them shared a great deal of respect for one another. 

"I'm glad you're here too." Levi added softly and Eren smiled. She focused her face again before turning back to Levi "I'm just as glad that you're still here..."

"But I'm not the one that froze today..." 

"...How do you know?"

"I saw you afterwards. It seemed that something was wrong, so I asked around a bit... You froze when a ten meter class caught you? You've tried taking on the colossal before, Eren."

"I know... I just... It happened."

She looked down at her hands to avoid Levi's gaze that she could feel on her face. 

"Eren..." Levi paused and looked in front of him. "Just know, if there's anything I can do, let me know and I'll have a pot of tea for us to discuss it over."

She smiled and Levi's smiled a bit back at her. Now or never, right? "I'll... pop in tomorrow after dinner."

Levi nodded and stood up. "We haven't danced in months. How about it?" He extended his hand towards her. Eren's smile widened and she happily took his hand. "I was hoping you'd ask."

"Who wouldn't want to dance with a young lady such as yourself?" he answered matter-of-factly before leading her to the dance floor. When they reached a good spot, Levi pulled her into his arms and wrapped one securely around her middle while his other hand held one of hers. It took them a second to catch the rhythm and sway along to it, doing a dance similar to a waltz but without the three-count stepping. Eren's hair swayed a bit as they danced and Levi admired the way it looked untied. Quite honestly, he hasn't seen it out of a braid yet and it was a nice change. 

Erwin and Mikasa looked over at the pair from where they were seated at the bar. "Levi has been waiting for this, you know."

"For what?" Mikasa asked before taking a sip of the whiskey Erwin ordered for them. 

"For Eren. She was fifteen when they met, but now... She's eighteen. He said he's waiting for her to find her own two feet so that she can find them again if he knocks them out."

"I had no idea it was two-sided." Mikasa said and watched Eren laugh with Levi. "But I'm not sure Eren would go for it."

Erwin seemed a bit surprised. "Wasn't she crazy about him?" 

"She was, but she knows she doesn't have long left. She is probably going to take what she can in the moment and then distance herself."

"She'd turn him into a one night stand..."

"I'm afraid so..."

"But none of us have long left, if anyone will survive until the end, it would be the two of them." The music changed to a slower song and Eren and Levi shifted to a slow dance. 

"Not Eren... Hanji didn't tell you? She's riddled with cancer."

Erwin's face darkened and he grieved a moment for his friend. "So either way... He will never have her."

"I wish it was different for her, they really would have been happy." She sighed heavily. "I just hope something good comes from it."

The captain nodded, but kept his gaze on his friend that thinks he's so close to his dream. 

After being tired out from all the dancing, Levi thanked Eren with a kiss on her hand and wished her a good night. He went back to Erwin to finish discussing a few things and Eren and Mikasa headed back to their living quarters. The streets were quieter now and people were going to bed, but the candles were still burning, so the town looked warm and comforting regardless of the cool wind threatening to cut through their clothes. 

"Did you have fun tonight?" Mikasa asked when they left the candlelit town for the moonlit path back. "I did... I think I'm going to ask him..."

"Just ask him what he wants too." 

Eren frowned a bit. "What he wants in return? I mean, he would be doing me a huge favor."

"No, you have to ask yourself what you want too. I watched you two earlier, Eren. I think it could lead to a lot more than you're expecting."

"Mikasa..." Eren took a small, shaky breath. "Don't even get my hopes up."

"Please just think about it. Don't be surprised if he isn't willing to do it."

She nodded and they walked the rest of the way in silence. Eren started thinking about how it would play out if he said yes. She shares a room with Mikasa, so her bed is not an option. Levi has his own room, but his is with all the other higher-ups, so she might be seen and Levi might have a problem with it. After all, he is still her leader. Maybe they'd do it while everyone is out training instead of at night? To be quite honest, she doesn't know if she'd prefer doing it in daylight or not. Does it make a difference? 

As Eren slipped into bed, she wondered for a moment if Levi had ever returned her feelings. It would have cost him his position if he as little as mentioned something like that, so if there had ever been anything, he would have had to hide it. And that man is good at hiding. It was silly to think about it she concluded before finally drifting off to sleep. 

Her dreams were filled with different lives as a florist, a baker, a seamstress, dozens of different scenarios where she was guaranteed to live a long and happy life. 

She slept in the next morning like she did every day they were given off. The rest of the morning she sat on the windowsill and read a book Armin had recommended to her. After finishing more chapters than she'd read in the last month, she gathered her things and went down to the showers. Eren brought herself an extra bucket of water to wash her hair and took her time cleaning up before wrapping a towel around herself and sitting in the sun coming in through one of the bathroom windows. 

A few other girls came in to shower and made some smalltalk with Eren while she waited for her hair to dry in the warm sun. She used Mikasa's towel to towel her hair dry every now and then and in no time her hair was dry enough to work with. She brushed out her hair while deciding what to do with it and decided on a fish plait since she had the time to do it. It was a bit difficult to start it at the back of her head, but soon enough she had worked down far enough to pull her hair over her shoulder and work it down further. At the very end she put in an elastic before pulling a few wisps loose. 

Finally happy with her hair, Eren got dressed and went to the cafeteria for lunch. She spotted Armin and ate lunch with him while discussing the book she was reading. When he finished his food, he continued drawing the faces of the deceased and Eren saddened when she realized just how many of them she recognized. Eren spent the rest of the day training with Mikasa, hanging out with a few friends here and a few others there.

Soon enough the bell rung to call everyone for dinner. Eren had been trying not to think about her appointment with Levi, but now that she's waiting in line for dinner, she can't seem to stop thinking about it. Would it happen tonight or in a few days? Should she be wearing something... what's the word... Seductive? Or her biggest fear, is he going to shoot her down and they'll start drifting apart? 

Maybe it was a bad idea... But there isn't anything else she could try. There was this nagging voice in the back of her mind that reminded her every so often that she had wasted her life and that's she's going to die as a worthless piece of meat. The more she thought about it, the less it made sense how sex would be the answer, but now that she's been given the idea, it's hard for her to imagine going on without it happening. 

She knew that sleeping with Levi would mean more to her than she would care to admit and that might be why she shouldn't do it. Her feelings for him might come back, not that they aren't already, and she'd have to go through the process of lying to herself about her feelings until she believed that they are nonexistent once more. 

But doing it had become a need in a matter of hours and her determination wasn't going to let her back out now. 

What does she want from this?  
In a dream world she would want to fall in love and be in a steady relationship with Levi, maybe even get married someday. Run away from their military titles and live a peaceful life like the mom she saw rolling cookie dough the day before. 

But in the world they are in she shouldn't allow it to go too far. From what she knows about Levi, the last thing he needs is to fall in love with someone born to die. 

For all she knows he might still shoot her down, so as she carried her empty plate to the washing area, she settled on just telling him the truth. Either way, she knows he will be there for her. 

Eren washed her plate and put it in one of the many drying racks for the soldiers on kitchen duty to pack away later. She hopes Levi really did make some tea because a warm drink is exactly what she needs right now. 

So once dinner was finished, she walked back to the room with Mikasa and they discussed in hushed voices how Eren was going to approach Levi with this topic before she walked to his office. Eren had been in Levi's room before, but since Levi's office had a comfortable small sofa, they preferred spending their time there. 

When she arrived, she was just about to knock when she heard a muffled voice she recognized as Levi's at the other side of the door. She hesitated for a moment before knocking. The talking immediately stopped and the door opened. Levi gestured for her to come in. 

"Who were you talking to?" Eren asked when she didn't see anyone else in the room. 

"I was reading out loud," came the rehearsed excuse. "Just making sure I understand everything correctly."

Eren nodded and walked over to the sofa with Levi. A hot pot of tea and two cups and saucers stood on the coffee table in front of them. "I made you that tea you like." Levi said as he started to pour some into Eren's cup. "I hope it's still your favorite."

She picked up the cup after Levi finished pouring the tea and smelled the wonderfully sweet tea." Mmnh, it's still my favorite, thank you."

Levi gave her a nod and picked up his own cup. Just the way Eren did, Levi smelled the sweet tea before touching his lips to the rim and taking a sip. Their cups made clinking noises when they both put them back down. 

"How are you doing, Eren?"

"Not as well as I should be..." She said with a sigh. "And that's why... I have a favor to ask of you."

She picked up her cup again and took a quick sip. 

"Anything."

"Sleep with me."

Levi froze. His mind tried telling him that he heard wrong, but every fiber of his being screamed at him that he heard right. 

"Eren, I - don't know if that's the best idea..."

"Levi, look... I know you might not want to, but I'm asking because... Because doing it with someone like you, no, with you... I know you would make it special, make me feel special." Eren looked at him and for the first time in a very long time, she couldn't see what he was thinking. "I'm so close to death and all I want is to have a taste of what life should be before I lose it..."

He stood up. 

"Levi - " 

"I don't think I can help you."

Eren gasped quietly. Even though she knew this might happen, she didn't think about how she should react. 

Levi was so confused that he didn't know if he was angry or sad. How could she do this to him now? He wanted to take things slow with her, do things right, and was preparing himself to ask that of her tonight, but instead she wants to just do it with 'someone like him'. 

Did he misjudge her? Is he even the first person she's asked? How could she do this to him now? 

A sob broke from behind him. This is exactly what Eren was afraid would happen; he isn't even looking at her. 

"I-I'm so sorry." Eren put the cup down with a loud clink beofre running out of his office, the clicking of her boots echoing down the hall.  
Levi closed the door behind her harder than he should have. 

Eren dashed all the way back to her room and straight into her bed. "Ere - "

"He said no." 

Mikasa sighed softly and turned around in her bed, praying that all of this will work out for Eren.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so...  
> I feel like this is too out of character.  
> But I worked pretty hard on this and I don't want to just delete it. 
> 
> So do you guys want more? (I swear it has a happy ending) Please let me know if this is worth continuing.


End file.
